domestic abuse One Life to Live

It didn’t start with hitting the dog

Such is the life of the stray that found his way into my daughters life. I like that she has a soft spot for lost and abandoned animals, but sadly, her boyfriend doesn’t feel the same way.
He was told that you must first “break” your new Pitt Bull by hitting it.
**What the hell!**
It’s only a matter of time before he starts to hit his girlfriend and/or his daughter.
Off his “medication” he is worse, but only by a slight margin. **And yes, he is off his medication**
It is only a matter of time before the police are called AGAIN to a domestic dispute at their house. The first time, being when they still lived here, before the dog. Sadly with the dog, it is only getting worse and worse. No the dog is not the catalyst, just an innocent involvement.
The parting of ways is the ultimate outcome, it’s just a matter of time.
**I hope it won’t be too late**

One Life to Live

The police, the neighbors, and NOT me

So our neighbors, the older couple across the street, have been paid a visit by not one, not two, but three police vehicles, one of which is a K9 unit. hmmm…
But they never get into trouble.
One officer even waited outside while the owners shoo’d their dobermans out into their enclosed front yard.
Okay, so now it seems that the conversation has been moved to the outside. After a pow wow outside for a few minutes, all three left.
Nope wait….
It appears that two of the units have now gone back down the road to the house on the end.
Apparently the “squabble” is between the two neighbors on either side of me.
I guess the story ends here, as I will never get the truth out of anyone.

Health and Healing One Life to Live Shared

Why doesn’t she leave?

There are many reasons an abused wife might stay with her abuser. She’s afraid to leave but also afraid of life without him. She has no money, no friends, no family, no one to turn to, no place to run. She believes him when he says he’ll kill her. She believes him when he says she is no good and no one will ever want her. She believes she deserves to be abused.

When his words are the only ones she hears, they start to define reality for her. He draws her in, compliments her, tells her he wants to do better, that things will be better. Tells her that he loves her. Then things start to change. She can’t seem to please him. She frustrates him. She make him angry. Or at least that’s what he tells her. The truth is, he has moved to a different part of the abuse cycle, the one that terrifies her. The one designed to terrify her. She dreams of leaving but is so very afraid to do so. So she turns her attention to simply surviving. At this point, she’ll do anything just to make the pain stop. He likes it that way. He gets his way, just like he always intended to.

Abusers destroy self-esteem, sense of self, any sense of worth. An abuser’s words not only destroy, but also define and control. The prison bars aren’t real but they are there nonetheless. The never ending cycle of abuse is a dizzying, frightening, one. Once she’s on, she’s likely to have no clue how to get off.

So why does she stay with someone who treats her like dirt? She stays because…

He’s told her that if she leaves, she will regret it forever. He has told her that he will: hurt her, kill her, hurt or kill her children, lie about her, take her children away from her, kill himself and fix it so that everyone will blame her, and so many other things. He tells her these things over and over again and she believes him.
He’s convinced family and friends that she’s either: crazy, abusive, morally corrupt, a bad wife and a worse mother, et cetera.
She is dependent upon him financially either because he’s: bankrupted her and ruined her credit, he’s kept them both in debt up to their eyeballs, he’s the main or only breadwinner, he’s refused to let her work, he’s forced her to work but has kept all of her money himself, her health is compromised from the stress she lives under and she isn’t up to the challenge of holding a job, et cetera.
He really can be a nice guy when he wants to be, when it suits his purposes to be. She wants to believe that that, not the abusive man, is who he really is.
She doesn’t know that there are services available for abused women or they aren’t available where she lives.
She is afraid that he’ll hound her forever through threatening, stalking, et cetera.
She has seen herself through his eyes for so long, she has no idea that she is worthy of being treated with love and respect.
She believes him when he says she causes him to abuse her.
She has a deep seated fear of being homeless.
She believes God will be angry with her if she “gives up” on her marriage.
She believes that her children need their Dad in their lives.
She’s afraid of being charged with desertion should she physically leave her home.
Since so much counseling is on “saving” the marriage at any and all costs, she believes that that should be her focus, too.
She believes her man is basically good…until he drinks, does drugs, has a stressful day at work, and that the abuse is his way of handling or reacting to such things.
She believes that he needs her, that–if she is patient enough–she might be able to “help him” or “change him” and the abuse will end.
The church has taken Malachi 2: 16 out of context and convinced her that divorce is always a sin.
Her abuser has moved her around so often, and has broken her ties to family and friends, so that now she has no one to turn to and no place to go.
The church she attends believes that her abuser is “a good and godly man” who would “never hurt anyone”.
Her pastor told her to go home, pray more, and try harder.
Her church has made it clear that there is nothing that they can do or will do to help her.
She is ashamed of what she has allowed herself to endure, of being treated in such an abasing and humiliating fashion, and she fears having it come to light.
She fears she can never “be free” of her abuser. If she turns to the police, even if he is arrested, there is no guarantee that he will serve any real time, and even if he does, he will one day be out and might come looking for her.
She is afraid of what will happen to her children if her abuser is given joint custody or visiting rights. She reasons that, if she stays, at least she is there with them when they are with him and isn’t leaving them on their own to face his abuse.
She doesn’t know how to handle everything that must be handled in order to find a way out.
One additional thing that I want to say is this: When I say that the church she attends isn’t helping her, I’m not speaking for all churches. I realize that there are churches where God’s love and grace is poured forth to the oppressed. My mother, who herself was a victim of domestic abuse, was blessed to find one. The church heard her story and welcomed her with open arms. They blessed her divorce. A deacon and an Elder went with her when she filed for divorce. They helped her in numerous other ways for several years. Unfortunately most churches aren’t like that.

What additional reasons can you think of that an abused wife might choose to stay with her abuser?

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One Life to Live


… is what he has over her.
Sometimes using their baby, sometimes threats of harming himself.
She loves him (only she knows why); could it be because of the little girl they have together?
Over a year ago they came here, there was no baby then, and like usual, things were better. Sure, there was the lack of financial support to me and my wife for “helping” them out, easier to get on their feet that way, I guess.
A year later (thanks to their income tax refunds) they are actually out on their own, with a car as well.

Sadly, the control is still there.
The drama continues.

One Life to Live Update

Spring Extravaganza

We don’t “do” the national holidays, not in our house. Oh don’t get me wrong we still celebrate something similar to Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter and the like, but we call them different names, celebrate them on different days and we do different things.
Our “Easter” is as close to the first day of Spring that my work schedule allows. This year, we are “celebrating” today. Example, If this had been the first day of Autumn, then we would be celebrating the infamous Thanksgiving. Giftmas is in July, Valentine’s is any day(s) we choose -a surprise- for the wife and I.

And because today is the day it is, we are having family time. Oh boy, this is NOT going to end well. Some family is better off staying part of someone else’s and not this one.

Stay tuned for more Days of our Lives

One Life to Live

Threatening Words and Behavior is Verbal Abuse

As you can guess, threatening words and behaviors imply or involve emotional pain, physical pain or both. If your partner threatens to leave if you do or don’t do something, that is a threat and verbal/emotional abuse. Some things you could hear are, “If you go out dressed like that I will play wing-man for my friend” or “If you don’t have dinner on the table by 6 tonight, there will be hell to pay.” Any statement that says or implies “If you…then I’ll” is a threat.
Threatening behaviors include playing with or cleaning weapons while looking at you threateningly, blocking you in a room or corner (using their hands to block you is also considered domestic violence), “puffing up” or getting in your face while in conversation. Analyze anything your abuser does that makes your heart skip a beat (not in a good way, but in a bad way). What kind of threat did you just perceive?

Describing your abuser’s action may sound like nothing when repeating it to a friend, but abusers have certain menacing looks and actions known only to their victims. Just because someone else says “That doesn’t sound so bad!” does not mean you were not threatened.

Read more by clicking the link below:

***Take action before it’s too late***

One Life to Live

The plan was simple…

… don’t write about any family matters.

Well, so much for keeping my blog on the straight and narrow.
This category has been created for me to rant, (or rave) about the goings on with the antics of family.

I’ll try and keep it pleasant and civil, but at times that just may be impossible.

Stand-by, in a few hours, the “fun” will begin.